"Pain is pain that pain plus non-acceptance is suffering. And so I really operate from the assumption that we need to be able to stay with uncomfortable emotions and trying to avoid them is gonna really snowball." — Dr. Jenny Tates
"The nicest thing you could do is like tell someone if they're spinach in their teeth. If you want someone's super patient and you're incredibly impatient like that, I think it's a little unfair and that would merit working on your own for a choose in tandem." — Dr. Jenny Tates
"If you're so focused on the joy of your friend and not getting wrapped up in it's easier for everyone else and like having yourself in the mix and never for me, it's a lot easier to kind of have a positive stance." — Dr. Jenny Tates
Dr. Jenny Tates, a clinical psychologist and author, joined Alex Cooper on "Call Her Daddy" to discuss her book "How to Be Single and Happy." Dr. Tates observed a common pattern in her practice where individuals, despite general life satisfaction, struggled significantly with dating and the pervasive issue of rejection amplified by the rise of dating apps. Her personal experiences, including her mother's multiple divorces, fueled her desire to explore this topic, leading her to write a guide for those navigating the complexities of modern dating and singlehood.
The conversation delved into strategies for managing heartbreak and rejection, with Dr. Tates emphasizing the power of "radical acceptance" – accepting pain without resistance to prevent it from escalating into suffering. She advocates for emotion regulation, encouraging individuals to engage in activities that support their well-being even when feeling uncomfortable. The discussion also addressed the struggle of maintaining self-worth amidst dating challenges, highlighting the importance of not compromising personal values and standards, and differentiating between healthy compromise and detrimental self-diminishment.
Dr. Tates identified three primary reasons individuals struggle more with being single: the "husband treadmill" (or any external pursuit of happiness), rumination on negative experiences, and avoiding emotions or desired actions. She stressed that research consistently shows happiness is derived from present moment awareness, positive activities, community, and giving to others, all of which can be cultivated outside of a romantic relationship. The episode concluded with encouragement for listeners to focus on their own happiness and self-worth, asserting that a fulfilled life is achievable regardless of relationship status, and that a stronger sense of self leads to healthier partnerships.