"Real self-care is an internal process. It's something that you have to give yourself and it comes from your decision making. It's not actually stepping out of your day to meditate for 15 minutes. Real self-care is actually bringing your internal values to every single decision that you make over the course of your life." — Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
"The reason that everybody talks about it [boundaries] is because it's so fucking hard, it's so hard, especially for women, and what I've found in my practice is that it's not that the boundary bit is hard, right? It's not that necessarily the communicating and the knowing what you want or what you don't want. The thing that's hard is the guilt." — Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
"When you over explain, it makes somebody else feel like you have something to feel bad about. So it's sort of like in opening an invitation for them to either ask you for more or when you're anxious and when you're kind of in that place of wanting to get approval from somebody who has power over you. The normal human tendency is to want to say more so that you can try and, you know, influence how they feel about you." — Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, a psychiatrist and author, joined Alex Cooper on "Call Her Daddy" to discuss her book "Real Self-Care," challenging conventional wellness industry narratives. Dr. Lakshmin argues that superficial self-care practices like essential oils and juice cleanses fail because they are external "methods" rather than internal processes. True self-care, she explains, is about integrating one's core values into every life decision, from career choices to relationships. She highlights that the pervasive feeling of burnout among women is not a personal failing but a consequence of systemic oppression and societal pressures that create contradictory expectations.
The conversation delves into the difficulty women face in setting boundaries, attributing it not to the act of setting boundaries itself but to the ingrained guilt associated with disappointing others. Dr. Lakshmin likens guilt to a "faulty check engine light," suggesting it's a signal to be examined, not a moral compass. She emphasizes that boundaries are not rigid walls but flexible mechanisms that help negotiate needs within relationships, and that societal conditioning, particularly for women, often prioritizes others' needs over their own. The discussion also touches upon the importance of self-compassion and understanding personal values as foundational to effective self-care and decision-making.
Dr. Lakshmin advocates for a more realistic and empowering approach to women's mental health, stressing that it's not their fault they struggle, given the systemic forces at play. She proposes practical tools and reframes, such as using low-stakes exercises to identify values and viewing boundary-setting as teaching others how to treat you. The episode concludes by reinforcing that real self-care is an ongoing internal practice that acknowledges external challenges, empowering listeners to make mindful choices that align with their authentic selves, even within complex societal structures.